Though any significant psychological problem could affect your closest relationships, sometimes the relationship itself is the cause of distress. Moreover, long term relationship stress increases the risk for mental and physical illness.

I have extensive experience in counselling individuals or couples to understand the root cause of there problems, enabling you to reclaim a safe and loving connection.

I can show you simple but powerful ways to end the cycle of pointless arguments, communicate effectively, and meet your needs in a relationship – even if you’ve been repeating the same cycle for years or decades.

Sometimes a couple in crisis will be constantly on the attack, yelling at each other. Others might be mutually withdrawn. Most commonly in counselling though, we see a negative cycle of pursue/withdraw, or blame/shut down. This pattern is extremely distressing and 80% predictive of separation or divorce within 5 years.¹

The good news is that through attachment informed counselling it can be changed and gradually replaced by intimate bonding that makes for secure attachment and happier relationship! 

What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?

EFT (not to be confused with tapping!) is quite simply the recognised gold standard in helping couples overcome their problems – primarily by repairing the attachment based root causes of distress and dysfunction. I achieve this by continually drawing your focus away from arguing, to recognising and communicating feelings. You may have noticed that while one or both of you are upset rational communication doesn’t work. My aim is to enable you to experience a transformation in the way that you connect that creates secure attachment and reverses distress. This method has a 90 percent rate of significant improvement (around 70 percent complete recovery) within 10 to 12 sessions of therapy.²

The relationship counselling I offer can help with the following:

• Low confidence 
• Low self worth 
• Feeling not enough 
• Always chose the ‘wrong type’ 
• Insecurity 
• Feeling unlovable 
• Communication issues 
• Frequent fights 
• Jealousy 
• Codependency 
• Separation anxiety 
• Sexual difficulties
• Sexual obsession/addiction 
• Body shyness 
• Intimacy avoidance 
• Cannot commit 
• Multiple partners 
• Cannot end a wrong relationship 
• Cannot get over a past partner

Contact me now for an appointment or to enquire 

Beware this common myth!

Anxiety that arises only or primarily in a relationship (which signals insecure attachment) cannot usually be fully resolved solo. For example, you may be tempted to think that everything would be okay if only you could just fix yourself and instead be self reliant. However this would mean to suppress your particular set of relationship needs – which are unlikely to go away.

Actually, we cannot prevent our partners from affecting us. We now know that our partners (just like our parents before them) affect our well being on multiple levels – particularly our happiness, physiology, health and longevity. As early as 1951 attachment pioneer John Bowlby made it clear that adult mental health depended on a continuous, warm, loving relationship.² This means that the type of response the person you are partnered with is capable of will have an important bearing on the outcome of this type of problem – and your health in general. In other words, whether you will start to feel less distressed and more secure over time.

As a counsellor this means understanding and applying a rather different approach compared to most other types of stress and anxiety. I regularly treat clients with two variations of insecure attachment: Anxious and Fearful.

What is an Anxious Attachment Style?

It is a type of insecure attachment (also called Ambivalent or Preoccupied) that affects close to a quarter of the population. It is not a true anxiety disorder but may trigger symptoms of high anxiety or exacerbate other anxiety disorders that you already have. Anxious attached partners become preoccupied with the relationship and consistently want to stay close. They tend to feel their needs are not being sufficiently met and can create quite a bit of drama around this.

Some of the signs include:

• High anxiety, obsession, hypervigilance or even panic arising within the context of a relationship (you may have gone from being perfectly okay to ‘all over the place’ after you got into the relationship)
• Fear of abandonment or that the relationship is fragile and could break at any time
• High levels of emotion or a roller coaster of highs and lows
• Hypersensitivity to everything the partner says or does with a tendency to over think the relationship
• Feeling clingy, needy or over dependent
• Obsessive jealousy or reassurance seeking
• Over reacting to things, then alternating between anger and blaming yourself
• Finding it difficult to express your needs directly (often blaming or trying to ‘fix’ the partner instead)
• Sacrificing your own needs or holding onto someone unsuited to you no matter the cost

What is a Fearful Attachment Style?

This is a much less common type of insecure attachment believed to affect under 10% of the population. It is closely related to trauma and abuse. Unlike the anxious type which consistently seeks to connect closely, the fearful type is characterised by repeatedly seeking closeness, then pulling away in fear. The pulling away part is an avoidant pattern and is called Fearful Avoidant. Pulling one way then the other there is no consistent ‘strategy’, so it is also called Disorganised Attachment.

Here are some defining features:

• A chronic pattern of unstable relationships
• Repeated breakups and makeups
• Difficulty with trust
• Fears not being in control
• Fears becoming trapped, dependent or obligated
• Panicked by conflict – may avoid, freeze or become ruthlessly self protective
• Sudden mood swings (related to triggers)
• Needs to withdraw or dissociate to reduce stress
• Confusion over your own feelings which seem to push one way, then pull the other

What about the Avoidant Style?

I can certainly help clients with the Avoidant (sometimes called Dismissive) Style, but the very nature of it means they will rarely reach out for help – at least not of their own choosing! Avoidants are also insecure, but do their best to remain emotionally unruffled, independent, invulnerable, and often closed off to intimacy. They learned from early childhood that they were better off taking care of themselves, rather than depending on others – especially emotionally. The last thing they usually want is to have to talk about their feelings or discuss the relationship. However they will sometimes ‘give it a go’ if their partner persuades them to come in or threatens to leave.

It is critical to realise that Avoidants are not necessarily cold or uncaring. Behind their tendency to dismiss, withdraw or shut down (when a little more is required of them) there is a deep sense of inadequacy, shame and despair. They may care for you very deeply but just have no idea why you got upset, let alone what they need to do about it – things I can definitely help with!

Relationship counselling and psychotherapy can be a great help along the journey to overcoming all and any of the above problems. My approach is based on Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). I can also treat childhood trauma associated with Fearful Attachment. With the right help you can set yourself on a course to becoming genuinely happier and more secure. Even within a problematic relationship these approaches can often make for positive change. 

Not in a relationship?

If a relationship has ended or you are currently single with a history of unhappy relationships, this could be a great time to gain valuable self insight. I can also teach you both an established personality types model and an attachment styles model, along with other critical information to help you make a happier choice next time.

Contact me now to arrange your free assessment

1. S. Johnson (awaiting citation)
2. S. Johnson (2020): The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Routledge

3. J. Bowlby (1951): Maternal Care and Mental Health: a report prepared on behalf of the World Health Organisation. Bulletin of the World Health Organisation 3: 325-334